To the beach, Alice!

The countdown is on–in T-minus 16 days, we’ll load up our car and head to the coast! My hubby and cubbies adore the beach.

I’m not a big fan, but I’m  looking forward to the trip this year. We’re going with family members we love and enjoy, so I expect the trip to be both relaxing and fun.

I might even tan my big white butt.  Doubtful, since the only color on this pale body comes from freckles, but there’s always hope, right?

What I sure as hell won’t do is step foot in that water. I realize I’m in the minority here, and that most beach-goers love not only the sand, but the surf as well. I’m so not into all that.

I don’t love, or even like, the briny deep.  Where you see a majestic oceanic display of God’s wonder and glory, I see his ultimate death trap.

Yes, death trap. And not of the gentle persuasion.

It’s not that I don’t like water. I love the water–the kind that takes Clorine and you can see all the way to the bottom.  God wouldn’t have made pools if he didn’t want us to use them, okay? Seriously. If I drown in the back yard, someone is bound to find my body sooner or later–and in one piece. In the ocean? I’m a meal.

Morbid, I know. But let’s be honest–every large body of water has it’s share of decomposing flesh. Whether by accident or design, many people have become fish food.  Their remains, no matter how miniscule, are not something I want clinging to my chassis.

This is the crap I fret about while watching my children frolic in the waves…

Discovering the perfect seashell…

or building sandcastle dreams…

Yes, I realize the ocean is vast and the possibility of a corpse washing ashore to rub against my bum is highly unlikely, if not downright impossible, but I’m not one to chance it.

Now, I’m not a complete ninny–I did wade in a few years ago.  My sister-in-law dared me to accompany her out to waist-deep water. I did. And all went well…until she yelped, claiming she stepped on a sharp shell. Or something.


I was outta that water faster than a cheetah on crack.

Through gasps and fits of laughter, my hubs said he clocked me at Mach 1.

So be it. This whale has beached herself.

If God wanted me to find Nemo, he’d have given me gills.


6 thoughts on “To the beach, Alice!

  1. You know how I deal with these fears….I want to be cremated when I die. Because I don’t want to be worm/maggot food. I can not see myself being buried.

    But I love the ocean, feeling the pull of the waves, the animals that live there. It’s primal – in constant motion. The ultimate connection to nature.

  2. Beth,
    I love to connect with nature–that’s what I watch the Discovery channel. Bahaha! 🙂
    I like the atmosphere of the beach, but the water leaves me cold (no pun intended). The pull of the waves freak me out–should the ocean decide to sail me to Spain, there’s not a honking thing I could do about it. The idea sends my inner control freak into a spaz. As for life under the sea, I don’t find them appealing. It’s not like at the zoo where you look at a dangerous tiger but still see it’s beauty. Nope. From their bulging eyes to their gaping mouths, fish have ugly mugs. And the ones with sharp teeth? See ya! I’m outta there. 😉
    Thank you for posting!

  3. OMG, Beth. I’m so with you on the worm fodder! No decomposing for me. I want to be sliced/diced recused and recycled. And the rest of me can be cremated. Then I want those ashes scattered on the beach so they can wash ashore on Andris. lol! Seriously chicky-baby. You’re nuts. For starters, if I was a thin as you, I’d be sporting a 2-piece and I probably would hang it in the subway. lol! Secondly, mostly just whole, fresh bodies wash ashore. Not that I’ve ever seen one. But I think the decomposing bodies end up as fish food and only wash ahore in pieces in California. lol! And the ocean is much cleaner than the lake because it’s moving so it washes all the fish poop away. I love it. I swim in it. I bob in the waves (when they’re not too big because I’m getting older) and I boogie board. So, have a great time at the beach. The only thing that might wash ashore is a pair of sunglasses someone lost. lol!

    • OMG! Love the idea of donning a bikini in the subway! It’s so Jersey Shore! Bahahah! I realize body parts don’t make it to land because they’ve been devoured long before, but those parts still decomposed in the water (or a fish’s stomach where it was pooped out INTO THE WATER)! Eck! I also can’t get into water where I can’t see the bottom–it’s a mental thing (no comments, please). I’m terrified of the ocean. Yes, I’m a freak, but I’m okay with that! Oh and the sunglasses? Probably mine. I lost my FAVORITE pair when I waded in with the sister in law. Arrgghh!

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