Bears aren’t among them, but I’m willing to challenge nature to be that exception and go full blown cannibal on my offspring.
It’s a harsh statement, I realize, but I back this trendsetting concept wholeheartedly.
Why, you ask? How could I, you ask?
Top 10 reasons to munch on your kids:
1. Eaten children do not name call–to you or other innocent bystanders. This vastly cuts down on the, “You’re not my real mom!” and my favorite, “Mommy has a big butt!”
2. Eaten children do not travel in the car–unless you want them to, but that’s a whole other mental disorder we’re not covering here today. They can’t backseat drive by telling you to speed up, slow down or stop the vehicle all together. They won’t demand you turn the song you’ve been dying to hear for six days over to The Backyardigans one more effing time and then throw a fit when the song ends, giving you mad fantasies of wrapping your car around the nearest phone pole.
3. Eaten children do not throw tantrums in grocery aisles or gnaw through cellophane to the chocolate doughnuts underneath in an effort to force you to purchase them. Nor do they wail and cower, making other shoppers gasp in sympathy for your innocent little angels, when you threaten to drag them to the back room to visit the butcher for an up close and personal lesson in DEAD MEAT!!!!
4. Eaten children do not eat. This is a boon on so many levels. No mess. No sneaking or hoarding food under their beds, leaving it to grow it’s own pharmaceutical-grade penicillin. And most importantly, no sharing your treats with the evil ingrates. Score!
5. Eaten children do not fight with their digested siblings.
6. Eaten children do not need their own space, thus leaving your spare bedroom available for people you actually like.
7. Eaten children do not get into your makeup, sending you into a steaming pile of psychosis upon finding ruby lipgloss stick figures on your walls or blush stomped into the cream carpets.
8. Eaten children do not continue the home demolition with gross body paints. What’s that, you ask? Boogers. They require an electric sander, a putty knife and sprinkle of fairy dust to remove.
9. Eaten children do not wake you in the might to announce they’re scared. They need a drink. They wet the bed. Their night-light is too bright. Their night-light went out. They’re hot. They’re cold. There’s something under their bed (aside from the rotting food you’ve yet to discover).
Mom: “No. She clocked out 3 hours ago. I’m just a doppleganger place-holder until morning. Go to bed.”
Child: Short pause. “Mom?”
Mom: Muttered expletives. “Whah?”
Child: “I heard a noise.”
Mom: “It’s probably the tooth-fairy. Go to sleep and let him finish his business.”
Child: “But…I haven’t lost any teeth.”
Mom: “Not yet….you’ve got three seconds before that changes…”
Child: “I think it’s a monster in my room.”
Child: “How do you know?”
Mom: “Do you know anyone more frightening than mommy?”
10. No eaten child will utter the most dreaded phrase in any language,”I’m telling mom!”
Clearly, this is a compelling argument for an enlightened approach to child-rearing. I give it two thumbs up.